


Reaching You

by restofourtimes



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Angst, F/M, Undisclosed servant freely guess who he is, WARNING: SPOILER
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 06:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15924776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restofourtimes/pseuds/restofourtimes
Summary: "I dreamed about you again, doctor."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Spoilers ahead.

**Reaching You**

* * *

 

 

 

A sudden imaginary thud startled her to awake, pausing her slumber filled with a dream she had that night. She tried to recollect thoughts but a string of ache seemed to be more evident any second longer. Clutching to her own chest, the quick heartbeat and breath were saying everything.

Despite the positive growth and simple check-up result of her health, after those combats and tiring journeys—showing her getting better, she felt nothing but damaged.

Maybe it was because of the dream that came just this night, perfectly replayed in her mind after a whole month of its absence.

He looked so real in the dream. For a second, Gudako wasn’t sure whether it was a dream or reality, as his smile was so vivid in there. Showing the same warmth, that she used to take it for granted.

She knew she won’t be sleeping for the rest of the night, despite the early dawn it appears to be. Maybe she wasn’t intending to at all. Because just like a month ago, when the dream came up, she spent the whole day only to replay the scene again and again. Wishing that it will never escape her memories. It almost felt like she crafted the dream into her sealed wooden box, just like the one her grandma gave to her on her seventh birthday.

She remembered how she kept those memorable and precious memento of her past life in there.

Why didn’t she take that box here?

Maybe it could make some changes on the departing memories.

 

* * *

 

The bright lights were evident remarking the longer daytime has become today compared to yesterday ones. The summer is coming, though the heat stroke wasn’t something Gudako looks forward to.

Something felt so different, only to remind her that this was just a dream. The fresh air of late noon was significantly there, existing along with the green landscape in front of her. The sky was blue, there were not much clouds up there. Not that they were urgently needed, as the sun is getting set any moment later, securing its heat absence.

A shadow loomed her body, as a man’s face came up on her vision, much to her surprise.

Gudako reflexively smiles, which the man returns.

“You’ve done the gardening?”

The man chuckles lightly, “Gardening felt so heavy though, I only take some herbs for the lab.”

“Let me see,”

The man shows his wooden basket filled with carefully-arranged greens. Each types were softly grouped with a paper tape. There were some soft napkins to between the herbs and the rough surface of the basket.

“It smells nice.” Gudako added,

She realized that moment, how the man smiles upon her remarks. She doesn’t know why but right at the moment, all she could feel was a pang of pain. Even though it was only for a single second, it was enough to remind her of the realness from this moment.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” The man asked, realizing a sudden change of her expression.

Gudako looks up, the soft peach colors met her eyes. It looks so soft, she almost forget herself to resist the urge of stroking them. The hair was pulled into a ponytail just like what he usually did. The man looked worried, but everything the man holds on his feature stood out more. There was kindness that she saw, there was also a caring.

But the one that stood out the most was the moment when he sacrifice himself for her.

Maybe that’s why she can’t look at him for any second longer.

It only reminds her of her fault. Of her weakness and incompetence. That caused her nothing but greater loss. Her own lacking robbed her enormously, and if she was granted for a time travel, she wouldn’t hesitate for even a single second to correct her particular mistake.

The man demands her answer, as the worry grew more inside of him seeing her looking away.

 

Gudako didn’t realize she just held her own breath.

 

“Why, Roman?”

“What why?”

_How can you still asked that, we all know **what why.**_

****

“Why are you sacrificing yourself for us?”

Romani’s feature soften. _This question again, huh?_

He didn’t answer yet as his hand moves to caress the girl’s hair, hoping that she would listen for sure this time.

“We are all sacrificing ourselves for those whom matters to us, aren’t we, Ritsuka?”

_This answer again…_

Ritsuka pulls away from his touch, and a trace of sadness instantly appeared through Romani’s face for a second.

“I don’t want this kind of answer, doctor! I want you to tell me that you regret of doing that, I want you to tell me that you regret of being….” She can’t bring herself to vocalize that. Of him being gone, _vanished._

Being not allowed to exist anymore.

“I can’t Ritsuka.” The doctor sounds so calm, so in contrast with her early memories of him when he used to be so easily panicking over little things. Never a moment passed when she didn’t regret onhow she let those times past so easily.

“I’m so fucking tired of someone sacrificing themselves for this, for that. I’m so tired of death, I’m so tired of seeing servants giving themselves for the sake of our journey…” She felt so suffocated, she felt like the air was gradually disappear from around her, she felt like she can’t breathe.

“Our journey, really?” She added cynically, “What’s so important about humanity, when I can never reaching you no matter how hard I tried?!”

Gudako held her fists to the man, punching him lightly in frustration. There was no strength in her hands, nor in her body and soul. She felt so hopeless, and the man can only hugged to calm her. Stroking her back in attempt for her to let down. Internally screaming for her to stop blaming herself.

“If only…” She sobbed, her voice was hoarse, and she felt so heavy, “If only, I was stronger, If only I was strong enough for you to not take any part, If only—“

“Stop, Ritsuka,” Romani demanded, he couldn’t see any of this. He wants only the best for her, another new day guaranteed for her, fighting what’s worth it for her and the world. He wants only a new day for her to enjoy happiness that he can’t no longer have, because she deserves so much more.

_Why do you blame yourself? You deserve so much, Ritsuka._

“We need you, doctor,” Gudako started to ramble aimlessly, saying another thing after another which sometimes doesn’t connect at all. She still sobbed, and her head still felt so heavy.

“Mashu was so helpful, but I can’t be the same for her. I can’t be the same for everyone.”

“Ritsuka,” Romani called, demanding her to let down.

“I even forget how things were used to be. Everything was so foreign, Roman, I can’t grasp a single thing no more. It felt like a whole different thing what we are doing now. Even our goals were hazy to begin with, it doesn’t feel right anymore…”

“Ritsuka, listen to me.” The doctor called, this time with a little bit higher. Demanding the girl to stop.

The doctor softly held her chin just to tilt her head slightly facing him. He wants her to look at through his eyes.

“You will be just fine, Ritsuka, even without me. You have everyone there, and the most importantly, you have yourself. A young brilliant, not to mention, strongest girl I’ve ever met—No, no, you can’t interrupt me this time.”

He quickly continued, giving a zero chance for her to cut his sayings,

“Yes, you are strong, Ritsuka. And you _were strong back then_. You know what’s bullshit? It’s you blaming yourself for what happened to me. My life was in something that belongs to the past, and it’s something that doesn’t deserve a place in our streamline. The fact that I was given such a privilege and a time to spend days with you back then were already miracles. And I will always treasure that. And the fact that you treasure it too, really makes me happy.”

The doctor paused, wiped another stream of tears Gudako can’t help but letting out. The burden of guilt was pushing her insane.

“…but not like this, Ritsuka.”

“I can’t, Romani… I can’t. I need you.”

“You’ll be fine, you will always be.” He reassure her, betraying his own desire to also needing her in his life. But how could he to ruin her potential and her life when he himself doesn’t even have one to begin with?

  

* * *

 

 

“You dreamed about him again, didn’t you?”

There was no any malice nor an irritation in his tone. It felt even like there wasn’t any single emotion at all. Maybe it was because the servant himself wasn’t feeling those kind of things.

The heaviness in her, and all those sadness, that she was so hard trying to hide in front of everyone was already more than enough for him to focus onto. He couldn’t care less about the other man. The servant’s rational mind was doing him good this time, and rationality is one thing she greatly needed.

“You always see through me,” Gudako replied, trying so hard to sound a little bit cheerful. Though she would never be able to manipulate him out of everyone at the end.

“You need to get a breakfast first, Ritsuka. It’s gonna be a long day.” He said flatly. Guiding her out of the tank to join the other for the prepared breakfast. Beginning another long day of their journey.

 


	2. Memories

_“Thank goodness, I finally got you on the line! Are you all okay!? Did any unexpected accidents happen again this time!?”_

 

The ceiling was dark, even though that the sun was still up there, sending some rays and lights into the tank. Her mind couldn’t help but wonder how different this ceiling compared to the futuristic-white ones in Chaldea. Can this one be even called ceiling even?

It’s not she complained about it, the tank has been so massively advanced even for this modern era. As expected from such big research site like Chaldea. There are mainly most-adapted equipment inside, providing just right for the survival situation.

 _You sounded so worried, Roman_. She harmlessly thought, once again letting her mind to set drift of a certain figure that she thought these past days had made her forget. That very moment when the doctor was able to contact the groups after connection lost, those early fights in Egypt and Camelot. She thought again, was it already that long since then?

_Did you mean it?_

Gudako asked internally, knowing well that it was such a futile attempt. Maybe it was more like a rhetorical ones, things like this was becoming her hobby these days when she found a time for herself. Unlike this time, usually it would be after the dinner, after such a long encounter with enemies for the day, the small feast she had with the group would at least distract her and put her mind to rest. Also there would be some enjoyable conversation she can indulge with, either with Mash or Holmes. Though the later part was usually giving her scolding and lectures compared to the bonding talks she gets from her _kouhai._

Her minds suddenly drifts again,

_“Why does it look like you’re trying to hold back laughter, Gudako?” Roman asked._

That time she was blindly careless and clueless. She remembered how she lived to the fullest that time. Clinging onto each day and fights like tomorrow was insignificant matter. So idealistic of her, to keep getting forward without actually seeing what’s stored beneath. If she may romanticize things, she knew she was laughing so much easily back in the past, compared to now.

If someone asks her what’s the different, between this mission and the ones in the past, she could easily answer that there wasn’t any of his voice guiding her and Mash through the journey. Though eventually, she would gulped that answer aside and answer thoughtlessly, _Maybe it’s getting harder?_

She couldn’t lie, everyone around her knew as much, how harder each battle is at the moment. So, how could she let herself to take such free times only to reminisce the one that wasn’t even there.

 

“Senpai!” Mash exclaimed, interrupted Gudako’s stray thoughts and quickly turns her head for the shielder.

“Mr. Holmes said that we should discuss strategies for tomorrow and choose a path we all would like to take.”

Gudako nodded, gesturing that she would follow soon.

 

* * *

 

There was never a chance for her to get a proper explanation from him. No matter how righteous it was of him for doing that, Gudako still felt a trace of irritation, maybe to both the doctor and even herself.

As the fight completed, the weakling physical traits of her surrendered. That time, she forgot momentarily the thing she was dying to know. For things he’s done, but when the moment she wakes up back in Chaldea, everyone seemed forget about it. Surely, there was a talk exchanged between her, Mash and Da Vinci in the command room when they’re done with the review report. But Gudako wasn’t too tired to let the uncomfortable look on Mash’s air face go unnoticed. Neither had she let herself to ignore the fact that Da Vinci wasn’t getting any better in pretending like she’s always been.

Yet there were no further words exchanged that time. Gudako wasn’t in the mood to pesters them both, in fact, all she wants right now is a time to stop flowing so she can just laying around in her room without another appointment to attend.

 

_Should I get at least a word of what this nightmare is all about? She thought that time._

Gudako felt like she needs to stop being alone as much as she could, she can’t help but let her mind drifting back and forth to the reminisced pasts. A part of her does admit that she might subconsciously indulge herself in remembering those memories. How could she not be? They were so precious for her, like the only possible remaining fragments of his figure.

_Gosh, how could I think about this when we’re in the middle of such war?_

But in the past she didn’t need to worry about such things, she can easily live it up to what her purpose served for herself towards. Back then there were people and staffs that backing her up, there were voices guiding her what she should do. Telling her information and the histories of each servants she encountered with.

She smiled bitterly, _or maybe this was what I deserve after silently cursing your long explanation in the past? Can’t believe I just missed that long story of you this much._

 

The brown tea in her hands had already became cold when it meets her lips again after those messy thoughts, only to remind her of how much she needs to get her things together. On the other side, the battles she had today was actually saying the opposite. Though the group still hasn’t manage to meet the _said_ grand boss yet, but several creatures and homeland servants were challenging them. Pushing them to stop moving forward. But they still didn’t do much damage for Gudako and her team.

She let herself to feel accomplished, maybe she’s a better person now. God, she still doesn’t want to mark herself as a better aggressor nor soldier.

A voice sounded so tangible suddenly came into her mind, she almost looked back.

 

_“When you come back to the wastelands, be sure to come show me how much you’ve grown, Ritsuka!”_

Gudako promptly cursed herself as the memories began to manifest themselves again, even firmer. That moment before they got connection lost again and facing another Knight of the Round Table, that was the very first time doctor was calling her first name in front of everybody. She herself was aware and the doctor was also once discuss her about this, when he asked for her permission to call her by her name for the first time. How it felt a little weird if he continues this habit when they were in intercom. So, it seems like a surprise.

But she was sure it was not a mere slip of tongue when he called her. And dear, she treasures that.

 

She continued just looking blankly at the tea’s fluid surface, muttering something before she herself aware,

 

“…I’m much, much, stronger now, Roman. You should see me now, stupid doctor.”

 

No, she can’t let this tears to stream down. _Not like this_ , he begged her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god this is such a shameless self-indulgent fic but i miss romani so much i cant im sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Romani subtle kindness was something I used to take it for granted in the early part of the game. I can't.


End file.
